In April 2025 I started estrogen and as of making this it has been just about a month and a day since I started. Most of my life I feel I have been comfortable with being me. I have had room to express myself how I see fit however, when it comes to expressing myself in ways which may be considered feminine, I was faced with discrimintation. Ultimately a lot of this discrimintation was brought on by my dad who is someone I have looked up to all my life despite how close minded and bigoted he can be about things such as race, gender, and sexual attraction. My father aside, I was surrounded by folks who would question me if say I wanted to wear makeup outside of cosplay or clothes which spoke more feminine. I have a handful of friends from my time in high school which probably would not have cared but after most of my community of people around me enforcing such a critique or what it means to be a guy, it created this pool of self consiousness around my identity.

Once I got into college and was living more on my own, I felt I was given more freedom to explore more of my identity. This is for things like my sexuality, gender, or hell even the activities I did day to day. I got to meet new people who support me for being me and did not care about me wearing the things I liked or doing the things I wanted to do or dating the people I wanted to date. Despite this, I was mainly exploring and did not socially experiment with myself during this time. I feel a lot of this came from my concerns around my girlfriend I was with at the time shunning me out or it causing my government internships and scholarships to be lost since I would become this face of a group commonly shunned by government. Through all this I met new people though and learned how I could change myself to be who I want to be. I just never took that leap.

I moved out of state in 2021 to a new job I had gotten after college. 4 years later (this year), I moved back home and still had not explored or actually explored myself socially. During this whole 4 years, I had been dating someone completely different but honestly the relationship was weird. I think part of it was there was a lot of tension in the relationship for other reasons of medical instability and me unable to understand how to help them but I digress. I did start getting different clothes or makeup to just play around with how I felt in certain things such as stockings, skirts or just changing my look. I got a lot of negative feedback from my partner at the time so I felt discouraged to do so and tossed them. Post breakup and before moving back home my ex gf, and best friend, had worked with me to get over my own dysphoria then becoming comfortable with trying these new things. She has been a great help in me just becoming more confident in trying a new style of look. I am still exploring these things as I have been starting on estrogen since the beginning of this year. It is a little complicated only because I am living with my mom but my mom has been pretty supportive with helping me try out things like makeup and different skincare routine products. I still don’t feel comfortable dressing differently around her but I am sure sometime soon I will.

I wanted to start estrogen not just to validate myself as a woman but I do want a more andro/fem look. I feel weird being masc but I also don’t just want to be a feminine guy but i’d like to be more female. I want the soft skin, the breasts, the better hair, the feels, and just overall body and mental vibes. I also hate how randomly horny testosterone makes me over the years. The random boners and just random horniness becomes annoying and a drag. I know a lot of transitioning is mental and things that can be changed by changing my behaviors, how I dress, makeup, hair removel, and so on and I feel I will be brave doing such as time goes on. Estrogen in my mind is something that will help me validate myself and how I feel and how my body will act.

I do fear social transitioning but at some point I just need to face it. Much of the world is in a disarray in America due to t**rump* causing mass hysteria over LGBTQIA+ folks. It’s a mess…it’s the worst time to transition…why did I choose to do it at this time? Idk..honestly I just finally got to where I feel comfy trying to transition and it just happened that one of the most fascist puppet leaders have taken over. I am sure the future will hold for a more positive world but we just have to move through the ick first.

If you got to the end of this I appreciate you just letting me run through my stream of consiousness. I am writing this while I am working so I may spruce this post up again at another time. I appreciate you, love you, have a good day :)